What God said to me today…

do not become doubtful in times of affliction- when you can clearly see that which you face in direct opposition, then you can know and trust that you are indeed of the opposite force. It is then, that you can truly put yourself to the test. You can ask yourself, with proof enough to answer; “am i who i should be?”
it is in battles small and great that we define ourselves. it is where we truly choose our side to stand on, by fighting for it with everything we can give. do not be troubled or afraid when you are called for battle- to pick up your sword, which is the spirit of the Lord, and fight. You have inherited the strength of God your Father, and are protected by it. He will not abandon you, and will not send you to war unprepared. Your fate is in your hands- there is, therefore, no time to hesitate or falter. There is instead a distinct and brilliant urgency to run towards your enemy with all the faith you have in Me. I have never abandoned you… and I never will. You are stronger than your human spirit would have you believe.
Never stop fighting. I have made you a warrior in My holy name. You, with a valiant spirit, will conquer in My name- even over death. Be fearless Bailey. “If God is for us, who can be against us?” I have promised you these things… do not be afraid.
[be strong and courageous. do not be terrified, do not be discouraged. for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. joshua 1:9]

just something i needed to write

its like she said,
she was worried dad wouldnt love her as much when i was born.
and she said she got over it but i dont think she did.
she works hard
to make sure we are bad kids.
to make sure we arent what he really wanted.
but she is.
she works hard to make sure we know
we’re not allowed to be sick
when she is
because then shed have to take care of us
and she wouldnt get the attention
so she gets mad at us
and we are left on our own.
unless,
she has someone to impress,
if even herself or us,
to try and make her look like a better person.
so she’ll be nice to us,
and play the good mom.
but really
we all know who she is.
and it is hard to remember the things we want to forget.
so it is hard to keep our guard up.
especially,
when they were supposed to love you.
like my mother,
my father doesnt care enough to seek truth.
he believes her lies and twisted reality,
and blames us.
for everything.
the dirty house,
the kids not being educated,
the laundry not being done,
the van not working,
the lightbulbs always going out..
and this is how it goes.
a vicious cycle of lies and things said to make us hurt more.
because of a hurt not dealt with.
because of a hurt that was burried.
because they are cowards,
too afraid to look in the mirror,
and see what they have become.
and so i promise to look in the mirror,
to see myself for who i am.
to follow God not because religion makes me stronger and i can make people feel guilty.
because i know it is right, and i have seen God, and i know He is watching closely.
you cannot hurt me forever, mom.
you will not reject me forever, dad.
one day i will be free.
this beautiful cage wont look so pretty anymore.
cause ill break through it,
and smash it to a thousand pieces.
you cant break me ever again.
you did once.
but i have been born again.
the bailey you know,
is not the bailey i am.
and you have no power over me.

Today i sought to discover what “good” really means. For if we do not know the nature of what we seek, how can we truly find it? I have found that what is good in this world, is not perfection. Rather, a good thing is in fact that which rises above imperfection.

contemplating [un-edited, and without intentional structure]

this afternoon i sat on the edge of the far less than constructed bathtub in my fathers unfinished project that was the downstairs bathroom. i held the book tightly against my chest with my knees up and feet barely supporting my awkward posture as i cried. tears, not of fear or dread, but rather tears of gladness at my new found hope.

through the days of the past that were dark and violent i found an urgency to breathe- to live through the fear and certain opposition.

an old man brought a box to my door today. at the sight of him walking up towards the porch i sprinted from my place and darted for the door. i stood, breathless waiting to see the old man push the small button to ring the doorbell that never worked. i wanted to wait a minute so as to not charge at him with all the excitement in me, though a single minute quickly turned into a few fleeting seconds. i opened the door to see him smiling as he said “i have a package for you”. i returned his smile with an ever brighter one of my own as i took the box and the mail stacked on top of it. i thanked him, and quietly shut the door hoping no one had heard me open it in the first place.
i tossed the mail on the table without a glance and quickly made my way to my bed. I shoved the unopened box under it, only glancing for a brief moment at the hand written name of my very best and most loyal friend written on the top with his address underneath. But i couldn’t leave it. I retreived it swiftly and sprinted off to the bathroom and locked the door. I found inside it more than i had expected. i found hope- hope that i needed more than the air i had been breathing. hope that there was a point to breathing, that there was a destination at the end of even being trapped. Though not physically in motion, time lets no one stand still. And so we are moving forward into the destination we have prepared for ourselves. Not pre-destined, not fixed in one direction, but instead moving forward with all the speed and might a human heart can beat with. with all the force of will and belief in love, we can move forward to a bright ending. a triumphant ending unlike that which we have heard of in stories and dreams, but greater.

i have found hope that even in distance a freind can be the closest. i have found renewal in my weary fighting spirit.

as i cried today, weeping over the reality and weight of life, and the turns it has taken, and the beautiful and precious surprises as that of true and dear friendship, i realized more than i ever would have expected to from a book in the mail with a letter inside it.

though trivial a situation it would seem, many do not know the depths of imprisonment disguised as freedom. it is one of the most damaging and confusing to the conditioned mind. i have learned to fight it, and fight it i always shall. but such an act of kindness from such a person was more than i could have ever asked for. though he would likely never fully understand the weight of his actions in my life, i hope one day he may see but a glimmer of it. the freedom i experienced from that one box and its priceless contents was more than i had ever felt before in all my nearly twenty years of time on this earth.

Troubled heart…

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It troubles my heart to know that so many bad things are going on in the hearts of those whom I trusted to be my friends. People never take friendships seriously- they pick up people and drop them like nothing because its easy to, and because they’re looking for someone who will tell them what they wanna hear. The fact is that so many people are missing out and hurting others in the process. As well as the other individuals who go out of there way to harm others by breaking promises.

Recently a church member defiled my family in a way no human being ever as. On top of that I have had two friendships run into the ground finding out that they were never real friendship except for on my end. One way friendships suck, and it seems I’m prone to them.

I would just like to say, the people God has put in your life are there for a reason. Freaking suck it up, get over your stupid complexes, and love each other. Life is too short to spend it picking and choosing through people made after God.

The thing about always being there…

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Ive learned recently after spending nearly 10 years of my life struggling, that always being there for people you love can be abused.

Now, I dont mean to say that you should be selfish and not be avilable to the people you love. But simply that there are times in which it is crippling for you and the person involved, to always be there for them.

Today I was thinking a lot about the regrets I have in friendships. Recently a friendship that was very dear to me turned into exactly what I feared it would- very one sided. In fact, all but 2 of my friendships have ended up %100 one sided. The other two were all on me majority of the time. What I mean is, all of the work and investment was primarily coming from my end of the friendship.

This recent friendship turned into one of those relationships where they’re texting you but only if something is wrong, and where they have little to no interest in you or your life what-so-ever. It’s draining having relationships such as these, and its honestly taken its toll on me emotionally and spiritually. I find it hard to let people in when I expect the same thing with every person. With this last friendship I hestitated more than I ever have, but in believing I trusted anyways… and was let down.

So I’m finding myself in a strange place… Cautious and daring at the same time.

I was talking to my friend Liz today about an epiphany I had. When God tells us to make acts of kindness for others secretive, I believe He was not only commanding this because He didnt want people to do good things for people to gain credit or admiration, but that He also did not want the person on the receiving end to abuse the act of kindness or generosity.

I find myself telling my friends that I’ll always be there for them. The fact is, that even though it was said with good intent, that’s something a person has to prove- so saying it is almost pointless. Another reason is that a person can easily cling to that and start expecting things of you. You end up enabling them to be lazy in the friendship and therefore dig yourself into one heck of a miserable hole to sit in.

I realized that if I ever want a friendship that is really something I can count on and invest in without being used, I’m going to have to stop giving people permission to abuse my commitment. Proving my friendship with actions and setting up boundaries to keep people from texting me at all hours of the day but ignoring me when I need them.

It hurts like hell to have “friendships” like that… It’s time to start changing it.

It has been far too long!

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Well, it’s been a long time. Needless to say I have slacked like freaking ridiculous and I’ve decided to fix that. I’m starting blogging up again. I really want to have an outlet for my thoughts, as well as a place to talk about things that are best suited for blog posts isntead of videos or tumblr posts.

On that note, if anyone is interested my youtube chanel can be found here:
youtube.com/toseeincolor
and my tumblr here:
tumblr.com/amberaviators

Back to blogging….lessgooooo!

march.5.2011.

The night you showed me God through the stars… no one had ever done that before, and I had been waiting for that exact moment for so long. I was breathless in that moment. Just as I am very time I think about it.

The night you tried to kiss me, and I didn’t let you… I had always wondered what would happen if I said no because I knew it wasn’t the right time. I loved being able to hold back and not be left because of it, but rather held closer.

The night we spent together till morning, freezing to death and probably catching a nasty cold… But it was close, it was intimate. It was trust. I love trusting completely, and being trusted.

Three nights that sent my heart into free-falling flight. I had never felt like that before. Never had I known such familiarity, and yet such difference.

I miss those nights. I wish there had been more. Truth be told, my heart isn’t the same without them.

i have

all these dresses, but no occasion to wear them.

all these things i want to give, but no one to take them.

all this loyalty- devotion…but no one wants it.

all these stories, but no one to tell them to.

all my perceptions, but they’re never understood.

there is so much that i have, that i wish i could share. so much in me, in my little world, that im waiting to give.

i wish my hero would come.

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