blind

There were never fine lines,
drawn to make a time.
so why am i hurting?

i guess I’m blind.

99 days

99 wasn’t anything special except for the fact that I had a realization from a friend that they really weren’t being as friendly as I thought they were being. I knew it all along, but perhaps I was too disappointed by the concept to accept it or think about it?

I know that God brings people in and out of our lives- all in the interests of teaching us, or giving us amazing companions with which to face the challenges of this world….but it seems lately I have only two such people, and it is sad to look at other people who have whole groups of those companions by them. I always ask myself “what went wrong?”. Wondering if I am the reason people tend to not stick around.

Or perhaps its only circumstance? Perhaps God want’s to keep me in this place, so I can fully rely on Him at a time when I really really need to?

I guess we’ll see…I just hate losing friends.

The measure of pain.

Lately I’ve thought a lot about the mistakes and struggles I’ve been through in my short life time so far. When I look at things realistically, it’s been a very long and hard 18 years. The struggles that I have been and put myself through, is nothing light.

For such a long time I wondered if all of these things really were as big of a deal as I felt them to be. Still, I struggle to claim turmoil, because there is so much more out there to experience and feel. I wonder if all of these things that I have been burdened with, really are valid.

Can I say with certainty that what I have gone through in my life, warrants such pain and anguish? I really can’t- all I know is that these things that I would call small compared to the other turmoils in the world, hurt me like the big ones.

Maybe it’s true that pain is in the eye of the beholder. After all, we all have different pain tolerances physically…perhaps the same is for the heart and spirit?

But perhaps also, it is a question I will wrestle with until the day I die…

My best…

Tags

discouraged, tired

I don’t know why lately, but my best seems to not be enough. I’m not sure if it’s because of my current state of physical being, or if its the stress…either way, I’m not on top of my game, and I do not like that……………..at ALL.

When I was little, the things I looked for approval on was how clean I could make a room, or how well I could make dinner in hopes of pulling out a compliment from my mom or dad on my good job…but in my early teen years that ended, and ever since everything I did was just never quite good enough…

I feel like everything I do just can’t meet the mark, and I don’t have the energy to do any more than I already am. I know that my health has a huge part in it…but still, I feel like I could do more.

Needless to say, I’m discouraged. I want to do so many things but every time i do something im proud of, somehow it’s shot down in one way or another. Somehow, it’s just not good enough. I feel like I just can’t push hard enough anymore…….

I’m exhausted…tired…and I can’t afford to be tired right now. With school coming up and moving, and everything…I need energy, and I don’t have it.

I hope God has a reason for this…because it seems all I can do is fail….

creativity vs. organization- and writing books

Tags

books, crazy, creativity, discouraged, organize, stories, writing

You may remember this picture from my post about my chaotic desk. Well, as I mentioned in that post, this “thing” you see here plastered on my wall measures about a foot and a half long. It is COVERED in notes about a few books I am working on, and this is just one of three like it. Oh yeah…book…

So I’ve been toying with the idea of a book for over a couple years now. Just recently I got the idea for two books. One a horror with a twisted plot and macabre content all directed at a specific point, and the other a not-so-feel-good story about life and the importance of it. Both of them are extremely important to me to finish, because I can see them. I always tell myself, if I can imagine it in its finished state, then I can do it. I can picture the finished product of both of them, but it seems that every time I attempt to work on either of them, I sit here in front of my screen blasting music as loud as i can to keep from distracting myself with the happenings of the house, and finding nothing to put into the story.

I’m an organizer. But with creativity, organization can cripple. I love plotting it all out and getting everything organized, but when it comes to the actual writing I get way off course and eventually I go around in circles with what I was planning to write, and what I came up with last minute. Now it’s gotten to the point where I don’t try anymore because I know what will happen. This is even more discouraging because there are several other non-fiction books I want to write, about things that have happened in my life and things I have learned. But then I start wondering; “Who on earth would even want to publish this, let alone buy it?” Which makes me even MORE discouraged.

Day to day posting…

Tags

blogging, random, ranting, thoughts

Today, I am sick beyond belief. Mono hit hard today, and I got a cold from standing on a concrete floor in socks, in below freezing temperatures.

Needless to say I feel like crap, so posting from now until whenever I’m officially better will not be as often as I would like.

On that note though, I follow a few blogs where people are posting day to day about their day. The funny thing is, that they all have much more interesting lives than me. Therefore, it’s nearly impossible for me to post something every day. My life is pretty drama free since I have very few friends… so really there’s not much to say about my every day happenings. =\

Maybe this is something I need to fix? I’m sure when I’m in college there will be a LOT to write about, but currently there isn’t so I feel as though my blog is somewhat pointless after reading these fascinating day by day blogs…Oh well… Perhaps life will start getting interesting soon…

This is like the lamest post ever, but honestly I don’t even have the brain to improve upon it at the moment, so it will have to do. Good night wordpress!

Gathering Questions…and lots of them!

Tags

army, military, questions, recruiter, ROTC

Ever since the idea of the army reserves came into mind, I have been gathering questions to ask the recruiter and some of the people I know that have been in the military.

Here are some of the questions I have so far, that I am wondering about:

• Can I live in any state i choose after AIT training?

• If I hypothetically married another person in the army reserves, would we be separated when stationed at a base?

• After attending basic training and AIT for the Army Reserves, will I be stationed at one base in particular?

• What would I do when not serving? Am I on call or working full time, as a second lieutenant?

• Do reserves soldiers get housing?

• Can I choose which location I move to for basic training?

• What would having a career as a military police officer consist of?

• Which option is best for me: Army Active Duty, Army Reserve or ROTC?

• What really goes on in Basic Combat Training?

• What kind of condition do you have to be in at the start?

• Can two friends go through Basic at the same time?

• Can an entrant choose the military job he/she wants? How is the job assignment made?

• Can you describe a couple of jobs? I want to understand what people actually do in the Army, specifically jobs for women, as most are closed.

• What kind of training comes after Basic?

• What are your tuition support programs? How does an entrant qualify for them?

• Somewhere on the goarmy.com site it said that ROTC students can go part time in the reserves of national guard. What is the difference?

This list, of course, is only the beginning. lol I’m sure I’ll have tons more questions as I keep thinking. But for anyone out there that might google and find this post…you might add these questions to your own list.

I’m going to try to meet with a recruiter this month, but we’ll see what happens.  Once I get my questions answered, I post them!

Hell is repetition…

Tags

alone, crazy, days, going, home, mono, mononucleosis, sick, stuck

I gotta say, that I’m just about to go crazy.

I have been sitting here all day every day for close to 8 weeks. The other day I was cleaning and really getting a lot of work done, but by the end of the day, oh boy did I pay for it.

Mono is a strange thing. If you feel good (which you often do upon waking up in the morning), then you think that logically it means you are getting better, all is well, and by all means get that work done!!!! …WRONG.

My name is Bailey

Tags

boyfriend, ex, name, ranting, sad

I recently got off FB IM with (we’ll call him) Jeff, my ex boyfriend.

Long story short I was suggesting he talk to one of my single friends, because we had been on good terms and it was what, two years ago since we dated? We had already talked about girls he liked before…but this time he replied upon me suggesting he come to my church to meet this girl with “Hey, I’m going to my ex-girlfriend’s church today because she wants to hook me up with her cousin.”

I was deeply hurt, and brought to tears.

I replied with “My name is Bailey not ‘ex’”

My name is Bailey. I don’t know what that name means, but I will someday. It is my name.

That’s all I wanted to say.

4:17 EST Oh my!

Tags

4:17, cleaning, e-mail, today, views

Yep, at exactly 4:17 EST something amazing will happen.

I, along with hundreds of others will be e-mailing this science dude to see if we can get as CLOSE to 4:17, to win a Dell laptop computer. haha

I love weird contests like these. Dunno why, because I never win anything. It’s just fun! So I have a timer set and I will SOOO be e-mailing at exactly 4:17 EST. fact.

I feel like Christian Bale trying to catch that 3:10 train to Yuma.

And no, I’m not sharing the e-mail address with you….I don’t want to add to the competition O.O

lol 

+++++++++++++

On more serious matters, today is the day I shall begin cleaning till I just can’t (meaning until the job is done), and learning my brains out. Algebra awaits…

Also, I hit 109 views last night…I don’t get it.