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“I know I’m not alone in the nagging sense of failing to measure up, a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every woman I’ve ever met feels it- something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too need, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy.”

I have had many conversations with my friends about this. This constant battle that men don’t understand or see rational, and women try their best to ignore. I have seen not only those around me, but myself as well go through major efforts in to being “ENOUGH“.

That word offers so much pain to those who buy into whatever profile stands behind it. It’s always different from person to person- that’s because every person is supposed to be different; it makes sense why we would all have a different opinion on what “perfection” or “being enough” looks like.  Some girls starve themselves to be thinner. Some girls even eat more to look fuller. Most girls spend hundreds of dollars a year on make-up, clothes, shoes, purses, heck even cell phone cases that match their personal style. All usually in the attempt to look better. Women these days are about personal image. As daughters of the King, we are to paint ourselves into an image of GOD. Women show aspects of God that men cannot, and as representations of the Lord, being made in His image, we are to convey that.

Instead because of the faults in this world, because of heartbreak and desperation women choose to take a different direction. Women subject themselves to hours spent on their image, while they neglect the real image they are to portray.

It’s ironic; that which women seek (love, companionship, protection, adoration, pursuit, adventure, etc.)  is exactly what they choose not to find as they look for it all in a world that they know will lead them to dead end after dead end. But then again, that’s the trend.

As a quote from one of my favorite movies (The Color Purple) explains it perfectly.

“Yeah, Celie. Everything wanna be loved. Us sing and dance, and holla just wanting to be loved. “

I think this includes not only women, but men as well. Though we perceive it differently, it is human nature to desire love.

I remember being 14, laying in my bed one night just thinking. It was the first time I was really starting to want a relationship. At the time, the concept of a relationship was NOTHING like it is now, but I knew (whatever it would be like) that I wanted one. I wanted to be loved, adored, needed. I wanted to feel beautiful. I laid there quietly, making sure not to stir too much as my baby sister in the crib across the room might wake, thinking through all the things mom told me about boyfriends. Being the oldest, I had nothing to expect. Little did I know how those dreams and concepts of innocent relationships would would shatter before my very eyes all in a matter of 3 years.

I would be told I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t what guys wanted because I was the only one in my circle of friends who did not have a boyfriend. I would be told that I was stupid. I would be told to shut up. I would be told that I had to try harder. All of which, at the age of 14, would hit harder than it could have at any other age.

Stasi continues in this section:

“The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone.”

I can very honestly say that being abandoned and alone is my worst fear… which is why all the attempts made in my past were even entertained in the first place. They were executed out of a desperate terror, that does not sleep.