The past couple nights I’ve spent staying wide awake worrying and crying and pleading God for direction. Lately the psalms in which David cries to the Lord in desperate need of His presence have summed up the moments spent as I try to fall asleep.
“O LORD, the God who saves me, day and night I cry out before you. May my prayer come before you; turn your ear to my cry.” – Pslam 88:1-2
This verse is what I have been praying. Lately I feel completely lost… I feel as though I’m about to step into the most uncomfortable shoes known to exist, knowing that they are just the shoes to get the job done. Going to college in Texas from Indiana to start a revolutionary ministry is not exactly an easy thing to do- nor is it accepted by many. I will miss my family SO much. I’ll miss my BreakDown team, I’ll miss my home, my town, my church, my friends…I’ll miss a lot. But as I am learning, we cannot stop the seasons from changing- we can however change the view from which we perceive them. We are not always guaranteed lovely and peaceful transitions from one season to the next. Just as between summer and fall massive storms rage with the changing of temperatures, so does the transitions sometimes rage wild in our lives.
Right now it is seemingly a raging storm before the cool of autumn can reign. A storm in which I am drenched with underneath angry clouds. However all the while I know God stands behind the clouds, and holds everything in His hands. Even though I spend my nights crying and searching my shamefully fearful spirit for Gods strength and faith, I know that there will be peace to follow this storm.
God has a lot of things planned. He has given me a vision that I am to paint on the face of this world with the gifts He has given me… I know I can succeed (Proverbs 16:3). But no one ever said the puzzle that is life was easy to solve! Through all of this I know I will learn a lot, and hopefully the nights spent searching God will only strengthen my love for Him, and His approval of my actions. As I type this I am fatigued and weary in body, though strengthened in joy and spirit. I will remain faithful to my Lord. A day is coming when He will be able to show me all the days I was fearful, and trusted Him anyways- only then I will be able to see what those faithful actions have done for His Kingdom. Just as Peter came out on the water when the Lord called Him during a raging storm, so will I during my storm- only this time I’m determined not to lose faith and sink… me and God can run on the water and splash each other with full faith and joy. At least, that’s what I’m aiming for…We’ll see.