Have you ever had that moment when you’re walking down the street, or you’re hanging out at the mall, or maybe you’re in the company of well known friends, and you look at all the men/boys in the area, and just wish with every fiber of your being (it seems) that they would look at you with an affirming smile, and at least make you feel beautiful, and desired? Have you ever just wished SO much your eyes squinted and you held your breath, that you would be asked out by someone? Even if it wasn’t a guy you liked, it doesn’t matter…you just want to be desired.
I’ve had many, many moments like these.
I remember one time I was walking with some of my friends, guys and girls, and we were all just ambling around instead of getting to our destination. Well of course teenage and college boys honked their horns and yelled and hollered at the group of people including pretty ladies. Well, eventually I had caught up with one of my close friends and we were separate from the group. Some idiot honked their horn. It was so close I stopped dead in my tracks, kind of startled. My friend though, kept walking seemingly used to it. The car full of boys kept honking as they drove past, looking at my friend. Not me.
I know what you’re thinking. “Geez…they only want one thing. And does it ALWAYS HAVE to be about YOU?” …Well no. You see, the thing is…I knew they only wanted one thing, and I knew I would never see them again in my life. The problem was, I wanted to feel pretty. I wanted more than anything in that moment to be captivating, and desired. So much so that it seemed to overtake my heart into a leap that ended up causing me to crash down to the floor in a mangled mess, upon not being caught in the air like some lovely ballerina by the compliment or adoration of some group of senseless boys. My lovely dance was finished off with a finale of tomato throwing and “boo-ing”.
It’s not that I didn’t think my friend didn’t deserve to be admired, or that I thought I was the better of us…certainly not. My friend that was honked and yelled at, is one of the most lovely girls I know. She’s elegant, graceful, and just stunning in her very existence. I knew that then, I know that now..but especially then. That’s where satan came in. I thought, “Of course…cause she deserves it”.
I immediately, standing on a busy street in broadripple began to not only deal with a sad heart, but also the knowledge satan was feeding me that I (once again) was not good enough, and my friend was better. It is funny how much one little incident like that can crush the very spirit of a woman’s heart.
I think that they way such a thing as this can be remedied, is simply by the men following the Lords instructions, and respecting woman. And the women following Gods instructions in guarding their hearts. For you see, those boys were not the only ones at fault in that situation… I was very guilty.
I had in those small split seconds, tossed my heart up sky high in hopes that maybe I would be admired by at least ONE guy. Just one. All I wanted was affirmation that I was good enough. The sad fact is, that in these times most men do not respect women. The sad fact is that most women to not respect themselves. The sad fact is that in this day and age we are called to handle things a little differently.
My first mistake? Hope.
Yeah yeah yeah…hope. People say that hope is the one thing they cling to that gets them through the tough times. But where is our hope coming from? Is our hope earth-based or does it come from the God of Hope, Jesus Christ? I had for years before this happened hoped and hoped that something would happen such as that. I confess that I cannot remember a single incident in which it did. I was always with friends, knowing full well that it was “for” them, not me. Lets face it girls…my figure is just not the best. I’m flat, and as most ladies say my rear end is “non existent”…which is very true. I’m thin, just not shapely. My hair is always a mess, I’m really bad at my makeup…my clothes are never the style I would choose just because I can’t afford to buy things so I get stuff from people that don’t wear it anymore (Which I am VERY grateful for… I just sometimes feel out of place).
I know who’s talking to who in those situations. I’ve seen every guy at my church choose every girl but me because she was blond, outgoing (I’m not), fun, shapely, wears her makeup perfectly and always has nice clothes. So you can imagine the long battle I’ve had with myself. Thing is though, I should have been hoping in God’s ultimate purpose for me, and that He has already chosen my future husband. Instead, I hoped in maybe buying better clothes, maybe dying my hair, or watching endless youtube makeup tutorials. None of them got me anywhere. So then (countless times) I decided satan was right.
Second mistake: I would give up.
I would think that satan was right. That I WASN’T good enough, and that I was just going to waste away, never get married, and always be the “ugly one”. I would never have kids, so i would just join the army and get shot and not care cause “NO ONE LOVED ME TO BEGIN WITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!” –this is where the bawling my eyes out usually comes in. =\
Fact is, God loves me. I’m imperfect but He has made me knew. I’m not the prettiest but God delights in my beauty. I’m not getting hollered at, but HECK WITH IT…because God already has my husband waiting for me. I mean how much am I dissing God and my future husband by hoping against hope that someone might find me beautiful for only 5 seconds before he goes and yells at the girl 2 blocks down? I’m not waiting for my husband to adore me…I’m wanting the world to adore me. I’m not accepting the adoration from God, I’m desiring the adoration of the world.
God created us to want to be desired. To be chased…adored… thought of over and over again…stunned…captivated. The fact of the matter is though, just as boys must SHUT UP and stop yelling at girls treating us like prizes (though we enjoy it), we must also STOP and ask ourselves what are we really desiring. We will always find that we want something lasting. Something honest and deep. We want to be desired for our whole being, not just what is on the outside. We need to work on controlling that “need” to be wanted. The “need” to be desired compellingly. Because we are already desired by God, and we will be one day desired in the most precious way by the man God has picked out for us.
It’s a life long struggle. But it’s one we ladies need to master NOW before we further hurt the image we should be portraying to God and our husbands as a patient and pure woman of God who delights in His will and adoration. Not the worlds. Besides that, it doesn’t stop after marriage. Men will desire you whether you are married or not. It is a discipline that must be mastered, and it’s definitely one I will be working on as much as possible.We’re all lovely dancers just trying to be noticed and loved by thousands of nameless people…but one day there’ll be a one-man audience for each of us.
Guys can yell and girls can smile back, but the heart remains empty without a deep pursuit for one another through the Holy spirit.