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I’m sitting here listening to Regina Spektor (love her) while I finish reading up some e-mails.

I flipped through the book “Captivating” that has been sitting on my desk since I last blogged about it. I’ve forgotten about it very unapathetically. I’m afraid to continue it in a weird way. Why? Because I know it’s going to ask me to dig through some of my insecurities I’m rather fine just leaving alone.It’s going to bring out the person in me that I know I gave up a long time ago. The book is all about “unveiling the mystery of a woman’s soul”- It’s definitely still a mystery to me.

There are a lot of things I want to do, and I know God told me to get things fixed in my heart before I even try. I’m working on it. But it hurts like hell.

Tonight I’m going to start reading it again.  It’s just that I’m afraid I wont be able to be who I’m supposed to- so I’m afraid of trying and failing. But I can’t give that excuse anymore…

As I said to my best friend about a week ago, “It will take a brave man to love me, and a brave me to be loved.”

I’m not very brave. I’ve lost a lot of courage because of the things I’ve seen and felt…but again, I can’t use that excuse anymore. I hope that by the time I’m faced with something I need to conquer or accomplish, I can say that I’ve learned and that I’m no longer laughing at God. Because honestly, that’s how I feel with the way I sometimes see myself.

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