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So, I read another section of “Captivating” last night. It did bring out a lot that I didn’t want to see, but I still did it, and I needed it. Here’s what I learned.

“As echoes of the Trinity we remember something.”

This sentence struck me. The section titles “To be Romanced” explored the need to feel needed, desired, cherished and sought after- and that need is an echo of the Trinity.

It had not occurred to me before… but it seems as though that need is something that God feels too. Which part of the Trinity (Father, Son, or Holy Spirit) feels that, I don’t know…perhaps all three? But it is very clear to me now, that God wants us to actively seek Him out, being romanced by Him, but also being drawn voluntarily and involuntarily towards Him.

Can you imagine being the Father of so many children and one of them begs and pleads for things, but does not return the love that you gave so willingly? I imagine God’s spirit is crushed constantly because of the constant neglect He receives  from His children. This breaks my heart to see and realize, the my God, my Father is being hurt in such a way… by even myself. It would be as if a ma sending flowers to a woman he loves, writing her poetry, pursing her and constantly seeking time with her…all to be ignored by the ignorant lady who cannot comprehend the love he has for her. As a people, as a church we are that ignorant woman who cannot see the effort her pursuer is pouring out for her. We are not seeing what God does for us every second of every day.

Seeing this put my worship to shame. Seeing this made me feel lower than I’ve felt in a long time… but it drove me to crave time with Him even more. It’s caused my heart to seek Him actively, and show that I love my God…not just say it and pray it.

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Another thing that this section of Captivating pulled from within me, was the need to feel pursued myself. I fancy myself a rather emotionally strong person. I tend to not get too upset over things as most other women do…and so a lot of the time I sometimes cannot relate to the amount of deep felt empathy that women feel for others and themselves. This in combination with my dominating personality discourages me. I worry that I will not find a man that is stronger than me…physically, and emotionally. It’s one of my biggest fears, that I will be the one who is running the marriage and that whomever I marry will not be able to keep up with me, let alone go ahead of me. Though this fear is a real one, there is also hope in knowing God will find the right person for me.

As I drifted to sleep after reading and journaling the these thoughts spun around in my head over and over bickering at one another. No doubt the reason for my dream….

When I was about 8 years old I had a dream that in my bedroom, there was a secret room behind a hole in the wall, where there was a large vanity with tons of make-up and jewelry and pretty dresses and clothes. The walls were pink and the carpet was pink and there was glitter and diamonds everywhere. I saw a young woman sitting at the vanity, putting on makeup and jewelry. When she left I ran up to the vanity and started playing in all the pretty things on it. I had this dream a few times, and never forgot it. But last night my dream was different. I saw in my dream the same room…but this time it was all wooden, like an old wooden shed. It had racks of little girl clothes, but they weren’t pretty. There were toys instead of makeup, and no vanity.

The dream I had when I was little symbolized me wanting to grow up and be like the beautiful woman I saw doing grown up lady things…The dream I had last night was me wishing I had some of my childhood back. I wanted to live it again because I feel like I missed it. Why, you may ask? And what does this have to do with anything?

In the book, there was a small sentence that read: “When we are young, we want to be precious to someone- especially Daddy.”

That is something I can’t remember having and don’t have now… That is something I miss and wish I had from the beginning on. That is something I see my little sisters get, and it makes me sometimes wish I was as young as they are…

This is what I meant by things I didn’t want to dig up.

But God is good, and He will use all of these things for His glory, and to teach me something. Hopefully this post might express empathy for someone else dealing with this. I’ve got a ways to go…

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