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Sometimes I wonder if I’m really worth a man taking the time to  pursue and provide for. Honestly I don’t have the best of hope in finding someone who will be pleased with me in the end- though I still do have hope, and that’s got to count for something.

Recently (without going into too much detail) I found out that my ex boyfriend was warned by his friends about me. Of course, this was likely satan trying to hurt me and make me compare myself to other girls, like he so often adores to do. But none the less, it was still said and likely true.

From my perspective every relationship I have with a guy, be it friendship or romantic, ends up failing and I’m at fault. Honestly, it’s hard for me to see things clearly now on whether or not it really was my fault or mutual or just the guys’. Either way, I hope to see future relationships with more clarity- but I still wonder about past experiences.

I wonder if any guy will really be able to look back on however long he’s spent with me, and say “it was way worth it”. I’m not looking for a guy that will treat me like paris hilton and give me whatever I want… I just want a Godly man, who is devoted to serving the Lord and in so doing will love me under Gods direction. Sadly there are more guys out there willing to fork over cash than there is Godly men of strength.

Sometimes I wonder if God really does want me to get married. Deep down, I know He does… my worries are simply that of my own fear of not being enough. I know I could be enough for someone, but I always fear that we’ll run into it thinking it’s perfect until kids come along and my husbands job sucks and he’s ready to throw in the towel. It seems a normal thing to settle for in this world…but I’d really rather not.

I’m trying to find what God wants me to change and make new, so that I will be what my future husband wants. If you really think about it… it’s quite possible to completely pass that special person by if you’re not ready for them. I just hope I don’t miss mine.

All of the things I am told on a rather frequent basis make me feel as though I’ll never be ready to love and be loved. The things I am told and the way I am sometimes treated reaches deep in my heart, filling it with doubt and self loathing. I want to be beautiful. I want to be a precious gift to someone. I want to provide for my family in any way I can. I want to support my husband, and I want to serve God with him…I want to teach our children the ways of God, and send them into the world without a doubt that they will do good. I want all of these things and so much more… it’s just that sometimes it feels as though that’s too much to ask of God.

Which is %100 satan talking.

All I can do with these fears and doubts is keep running towards God. If I follow Him faithfully, He’ll lead me right to where He wants me to be. Proverbs 37:4 says:

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

And that’s what I need to do.

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