I’ve had a lot of issues lately with fear. Over the years, I have come to find how selfish a thing fear can be. For me, it’s probably my biggest struggle. Fear of what exactly? Well, the fear of being disliked, hated, looked down upon, and ultimately, the core: being alone.
I call this selfish fear, because I am never alone in Jesus Christ, and to focus so much on myself and what others think of me is vanity and selfishness. I should be more concerned with others. With loving others- not worrying about how much I am loved. And still, I know this and continue to struggle. It will likely be a life long battle for me. Things in my life have caused me to cling to dependency, and it’s seemed to program my heart ever since.
Recently my fear of being alone caused me to lash out in words at my dearest friend, accusing them of something before I even inquired for details that would have proven my suspicions to be unfounded. When God says to trust Him to guide us, we should take that seriously. Too often I decide to take matters into my own hands and accuse, ignore, or pester the heck out of my friends desperately seeking affirmation that perhaps my deepest fear wont come true. Really, I’m just making it worse and creating the perfect position for my friends to say “forget it” and leave.
Last night I spent a lot of time in prayer about this. I honestly know how to fix it… it’s just making it a priority so that when the time comes that I am tempted to take the reigns from God I remember the steps I have for myself to keep calm, pray, and patiently deal with whatever has come up. Because I know I will ALWAYS have Him, and He is all I need- more than I need.
It’s a very strange kind of selfishness, but a very normal fear. Hopefully I can get this under control before too long. No, not hopefully… I WILL get this under control.