Something I rambled to a friend about what I’m currently going through with moving to texas in just 24 days, in an online conversation.

i cant even do anything
i am so directionless
so confused
even while im running full force into a firm and guided direction i am still so lost
because i could face anything in this world
but my biggest fear, my worst enemy, is the question i ask my self constantly…”am i enough?”
i need my family, my friends, to love me. to support me.
and i am going against both small, and large enemies.
and this
so petty
in the grand scheme of things.
and that is how i see life
as a big picture
others dont
and so
when i do things
like this
its because i see how it fits in the big picture
and some say, its silly to plan ahead, because we cant predict the future
but i think the future is what you make of it. and i think that though we cannot control events in our life, we can control how we handle and use them. how we see the world despite and with them
to me
taking this small risk
in moving across the country
to do something
something i need to do
i think, that is taking control of the future
and putting it in the right direction
it wont be what i think it will
but in trusting God
and jumping out in total faith
risking everything.
i know
that because in that incredible risk made in His name
i will succeed
and go beyond that
because if it was about me
i would be here
its not about me
so im pushing against it all.
because in the big picture
in my mind
i see life as….
i was put here to get some work done
and, life was not made for you to sit idle
with family and happiness in your own world
life was changed
after the fall
to not only worship our God
but to fight with Him
and so
my little troop of one
is just being deployed elsewhere
ill see the other platoons when we get back to base.
and i think
thats okay
and sure
maybe i have a bizarre way of thinking
and maybe mom and dad and my siblings or anyone else in the world will never see things that way
thats okay
i will make it
and because this has been so incredibly hard
and tested my faith beyond words
i know im doing the right thing
no help is needed
just prayer
lots and lost of prayer
a safe and successful flight
understanding for my parents, and an enthusiasm for the goal im reaching
and a job. i need one.
those things
if you prayed fervently for those things for me
then thats all you need
im doing it
He is helping me
im okay.