Tonight, I carry the baggage of my past.
I carry the baggage of being a cutter, and a suicidal anti-god hell-bent monster. I carry the baggage and burden of having a family that is broken apart by alcohol, sex, mental disorder, and a history of abuse. I carry my pain, in physical form- a direct attack from the enemy. I carry the burden of a mission that I must accomplish- one of many. A mission that at present is weighed heavily against these burdens I hold onto.

And that, is the real problem. I’m holding onto them. Though they will be with my like scars for the rest of my life, Jesus has claimed them as his own. The heartbreak, and physical pain has all been felt by my Lord Jesus. And that, saddens me even more- that He would feel this pain, only soo much more magnified, and for every person to ever exist on this planet. I wish more than anything, that He didn’t have to hurt so much. And selfishly, I wish I didn’t either.

I am about to start a new chapter in my life. One that will send me directly into the battlefield. I can’t fight when I’m carrying all of this. So I think, I will leave it at the airport, and carry only the knowing that God has these things in His hands. Even though I am completely powerless to change them- to save people- He has it under his control, and He will protect His people.

The pain is felt so strongly lately. As I move in transition, it seems to resurrface and kick up the dust that had settled. I only hope, that in all things, I will be a good influence to those I most desperately need. And that my strength will be an example, to me family and my friends. Perhaps through things like ministry, my book, my testimony…my family will come to understand life as I have. Perhaps they will understand, and changes will be made.

It is my strongest prayer.

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