i havent felt this way in a long time- about a year.

but old habits creep up. and they always try to bring you down when you start to fall.

i want to cut.

i want to bleed.

to punish myself for so much shit that ive done. thats been done to me. i feel dirty. my body- i feel it’s worthless. just a toy. an instrument for men, instead of God.

no, these feelings are not good ones- but i am fighting them.

still, despite my efforts, it is how i feel.

i am tired of feeling like a toy. tired of feeling my heart crush inside my chest, swelling with pain at every beat. i hate that i feel these things. that if you look close enough in my eyes, you might see their empty. i feel i have nothing left to give. nothing left to provide. because it’s all been given. it’s all been taken.

There are some things, you can’t erase. some hurts that never heal. as forgiving and renewing as God is, sin has a way of coming back to haunt you. whether the fault was yours or not.

these wounds take hold. my past. my recent present. they have made me who i am. but maybe i dont know who i am. and maybe that past continues to kick me when im down.

my demons know me well. they know how to hurt me.

im paying the price for not paying attention.

pleasing others, is never worth emptiness that is sometimes impossible to fill.