I’m on the second page of wild at heart by John Eldredge. The book explores the heart of a man, and his purpose and goal. The way he sees the world- the way he feels, and understands.

I started reading this book to try to explore a mans heart so i could better understand the perspective of a man, and perhaps, to understand myself more.

The sad thing is, that I must admit, is now, at the second page I closed the book. I’m not done reading forever…but for now, I’m finished. As I read the first few pages it explains a mans need for exploration. To me, it reminds me only of “i love you” followed by the man leaving in one way or another. And guys may never get this, but there are many ways to leave a woman… you can be kissing her and buying her everything and going places with her and treating her as a princess…and she is still completely and totally alone.

This complexity turns men away. Women often dumb themselves down so we’re simple enough to receive love. Ive diluted myself all my life because of this. In constant search for that one man. The one man that would catch me and never let me go. Now, at 19, I still haven’t found him.

Reading about men, and these things I don’t understand, hurts so much. I’ve been avoiding this book for a long time. And now, finally when I try, 2 pages in and it’s dug up all the hurt all over again. Reminding me that I have never been enough for a man- I’ve never been simple enough, acomidating enough- he always left me. A girls worse fear is being left. Investing so much, and then being left alone, empty, her beauty taken by a man (or men) who said they treasured it, said they needed it and honored it, promised to never abandon her… and then they leave. Gone, forever, indulging in the beauty of other women. Our value feels nothing close to what it was. Like a run down house in a bad neighborhood… property value is next to nothing. Cheap, easy, and very very temporary.

That’s how I feel. Temporary.

A temporary fix. A fall-back girl. A second or third option…never first. never for forever. I’ve been damaged… though not beyond repair I come with some very fragile parts of my heart. A complex nature created out of hurt that could be something beautiful if valued…but rarely do we feel that way. rarely can we trust, because we are always left. always devalued.

that is how i feel…

i just with God would bring a man into my life that really UNDERSTOOD what these things mean to me. because I have yet to find a man who has proven that I’m worth it. Im sick at heart- sick of being used, hurt, left. i just want to belong to a man who honors me and treasures me. who doesnt jump in too soon and take everything leaving me completely lost, and confused, and empty. I just need a man to buck up, and prove he’s strong enough. brave enough.

if there are really any real men out there.

im so tired of being a watered-down me. enough is enough.