this afternoon i sat on the edge of the far less than constructed bathtub in my fathers unfinished project that was the downstairs bathroom. i held the book tightly against my chest with my knees up and feet barely supporting my awkward posture as i cried. tears, not of fear or dread, but rather tears of gladness at my new found hope.
through the days of the past that were dark and violent i found an urgency to breathe- to live through the fear and certain opposition.
an old man brought a box to my door today. at the sight of him walking up towards the porch i sprinted from my place and darted for the door. i stood, breathless waiting to see the old man push the small button to ring the doorbell that never worked. i wanted to wait a minute so as to not charge at him with all the excitement in me, though a single minute quickly turned into a few fleeting seconds. i opened the door to see him smiling as he said “i have a package for you”. i returned his smile with an ever brighter one of my own as i took the box and the mail stacked on top of it. i thanked him, and quietly shut the door hoping no one had heard me open it in the first place.
i tossed the mail on the table without a glance and quickly made my way to my bed. I shoved the unopened box under it, only glancing for a brief moment at the hand written name of my very best and most loyal friend written on the top with his address underneath. But i couldn’t leave it. I retreived it swiftly and sprinted off to the bathroom and locked the door. I found inside it more than i had expected. i found hope- hope that i needed more than the air i had been breathing. hope that there was a point to breathing, that there was a destination at the end of even being trapped. Though not physically in motion, time lets no one stand still. And so we are moving forward into the destination we have prepared for ourselves. Not pre-destined, not fixed in one direction, but instead moving forward with all the speed and might a human heart can beat with. with all the force of will and belief in love, we can move forward to a bright ending. a triumphant ending unlike that which we have heard of in stories and dreams, but greater.
i have found hope that even in distance a freind can be the closest. i have found renewal in my weary fighting spirit.
as i cried today, weeping over the reality and weight of life, and the turns it has taken, and the beautiful and precious surprises as that of true and dear friendship, i realized more than i ever would have expected to from a book in the mail with a letter inside it.
though trivial a situation it would seem, many do not know the depths of imprisonment disguised as freedom. it is one of the most damaging and confusing to the conditioned mind. i have learned to fight it, and fight it i always shall. but such an act of kindness from such a person was more than i could have ever asked for. though he would likely never fully understand the weight of his actions in my life, i hope one day he may see but a glimmer of it. the freedom i experienced from that one box and its priceless contents was more than i had ever felt before in all my nearly twenty years of time on this earth.