Wednesday night my parents informed me that we needed to have a “talk”. My mom had spent the day with our neighbor, to whom she talked about my plans to go to college in Texas. The calculated some things, and it turns out that they will be spending around$ 1,500 to send me there and make one small shipment of my things as we will be flying, not driving. With the tax check coming soon, they will be buying me a new laptop for college, and the tickets to fly us all there, and for them to spend the night before returning home.
She told me that I needed to give it one last look-over. I needed to decide for sure, and understand that more than likely I may not ever come back to Indiana. My plan was to come back eventually… but we both had to accept the fact that there is a chance I might not ever return as I will be “setting my roots” in Texas. We both understood. She cried a little. I held it back. But we both understood.
Mom asked me to please take that night to pray about it. I was talking to my best friend about it, and I said I just didn’t know what to pray for. I just wanted someone to push me in the direction without being biased. I didn’t know what to do, or pray, or think. God led me to Romans in my bible, and I read about faith. About what faith was, and what it wasn’t. Recently I had a conversation with my breakdown director JT about how it was hard to fine the line between faith and foolishness. I think I now have a better understanding of it. I also read in romans this:
“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.” -Romans 8:26-27
This brought more comfort that I can express. I felt incapable of praying the right prayer. I felt and knew that my human heart and mind could not possibly make the right decision at that point. God had to make it with me. And I believe He did.
I (we) have chosen to go. I feel that it is the right decision, and when I weigh out everything, even the painful and frightening things that will come with going and being on my own, the alternative does not settle and give peace as the concept of going does. I’ve held this dream in my hands for a year and 7 months exactly. By the time I move in to college, I will have held it in my heart for over 2 years. That’s a long long time…and I believe it is also part of the affirmation I needed to say I was going. God has used this goal, this vision, to do SO much in my life. I can honestly say that without this I would be a completely different person. Completely.
God has and will use this. I know it. It’s going to be scary, difficult, uncomfortable, and I’m going to feel like I’m standing on the edge of a skyscraper. But I can do it. The verse God gave me a year and 7 months ago was this:
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”
He’s been with me this long… I know He will be with me in Texas.