im haunted by those eyes.

but God,

this isnt my choice.

im working through these damned memories.

and God, they hurt so much.

But maybe

i had to go through there, to get here.

maybe that was the point.

i still dont know.

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instinctive responses

I’m on the second page of wild at heart by John Eldredge. The book explores the heart of a man, and his purpose and goal. The way he sees the world- the way he feels, and understands.

I started reading this book to try to explore a mans heart so i could better understand the perspective of a man, and perhaps, to understand myself more.

The sad thing is, that I must admit, is now, at the second page I closed the book. I’m not done reading forever…but for now, I’m finished. As I read the first few pages it explains a mans need for exploration. To me, it reminds me only of “i love you” followed by the man leaving in one way or another. And guys may never get this, but there are many ways to leave a woman… you can be kissing her and buying her everything and going places with her and treating her as a princess…and she is still completely and totally alone.

This complexity turns men away. Women often dumb themselves down so we’re simple enough to receive love. Ive diluted myself all my life because of this. In constant search for that one man. The one man that would catch me and never let me go. Now, at 19, I still haven’t found him.

Reading about men, and these things I don’t understand, hurts so much. I’ve been avoiding this book for a long time. And now, finally when I try, 2 pages in and it’s dug up all the hurt all over again. Reminding me that I have never been enough for a man- I’ve never been simple enough, acomidating enough- he always left me. A girls worse fear is being left. Investing so much, and then being left alone, empty, her beauty taken by a man (or men) who said they treasured it, said they needed it and honored it, promised to never abandon her… and then they leave. Gone, forever, indulging in the beauty of other women. Our value feels nothing close to what it was. Like a run down house in a bad neighborhood… property value is next to nothing. Cheap, easy, and very very temporary.

That’s how I feel. Temporary.

A temporary fix. A fall-back girl. A second or third option…never first. never for forever. I’ve been damaged… though not beyond repair I come with some very fragile parts of my heart. A complex nature created out of hurt that could be something beautiful if valued…but rarely do we feel that way. rarely can we trust, because we are always left. always devalued.

that is how i feel…

i just with God would bring a man into my life that really UNDERSTOOD what these things mean to me. because I have yet to find a man who has proven that I’m worth it. Im sick at heart- sick of being used, hurt, left. i just want to belong to a man who honors me and treasures me. who doesnt jump in too soon and take everything leaving me completely lost, and confused, and empty. I just need a man to buck up, and prove he’s strong enough. brave enough.

if there are really any real men out there.

im so tired of being a watered-down me. enough is enough.

confession time

i havent felt this way in a long time- about a year.

but old habits creep up. and they always try to bring you down when you start to fall.

i want to cut.

i want to bleed.

to punish myself for so much shit that ive done. thats been done to me. i feel dirty. my body- i feel it’s worthless. just a toy. an instrument for men, instead of God.

no, these feelings are not good ones- but i am fighting them.

still, despite my efforts, it is how i feel.

i am tired of feeling like a toy. tired of feeling my heart crush inside my chest, swelling with pain at every beat. i hate that i feel these things. that if you look close enough in my eyes, you might see their empty. i feel i have nothing left to give. nothing left to provide. because it’s all been given. it’s all been taken.

There are some things, you can’t erase. some hurts that never heal. as forgiving and renewing as God is, sin has a way of coming back to haunt you. whether the fault was yours or not.

these wounds take hold. my past. my recent present. they have made me who i am. but maybe i dont know who i am. and maybe that past continues to kick me when im down.

my demons know me well. they know how to hurt me.

im paying the price for not paying attention.

pleasing others, is never worth emptiness that is sometimes impossible to fill.

color

Ever since I was little I have been an artist. Never a great artist, but I loved expressing myself through art. Lately, I’ve been trying to work more on that aspect of my life. Sometimes I find, it’s very hard for me to deal with emotions when I cant see them. Art helps me see them, and then they seem more tangible – more controllable.

Something though that I’ve realized, is during the hardest part of my life, I never could paint or draw in colors other than red, black and white. If I did paint in other colors, they were all very dark- almost indestinguishable  from other colors.  The reason, is because those colors are all I saw. Because of the dark aspects of that part of my life, all I saw was anger and darkness. Red and black. Today, 3 years out of that darkness, I still have great trouble painting in colors. It’s interesting, because as I was logging in today to my WP, i realized that my username was “to see in color”. Ive obviously always known that, and I created my own username…but I never really knew why until today. That username was created (as Ive used it for other things) many years ago while I was still struggling with the hardest time in my life that I have ever gone through. I was seeking color. I was seeking life in a world that was so void of it.

Today, I can admire the beautiful color of blue in the sky. The brownish black nailpolish I’m wearing. My favorite blue mug. The green in my daisy plant. The pink floral print on my comforter. I can see color. Sometimes the biggest gifts we have been given are the smallest and the most unnoticed. Color, is one of those. Color is breathtaking.  It is unique. It creates. It fades and brightens. Color is infinite.

Though, color can only be seen when there is light. Isnt that interesting? It takes light- a brightness- to see the glorious colors around us. In the darkness, it is often difficult to distinguish one color from another. It took me finding God, and stepping into the light, to really appreciate and see color. To see life.

I may not be able to paint in color yet, but I’ll get there. And maybe what Ive kept from those dark aspects will make others appreciate color more, when they can see what life looks like through the eyes of someone who’s life was colorless, and dark. I love seeing God’s diversely colored paint scattered around this little world. Just imagine what color will look like in heaven… 🙂

First week of Spring 2011 semester

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So today marks the end of the first week of school. This week has been ridiculous, and absolutely exhausting. One thing that I imagine every college student never thought of before entering college, is just how tiring walking from one end of campus to the other. After a a few days of scrambling your brain through all your classes, everything seems to wear you out. Well, at least it does for me. I’ve been working my best to get more sleep than I did last semester, but sometimes that effort leads to no avail. The classes I’m taking this semester are Genetics, History of Africa, Human Life-span Development, Algebra, Art, and Bible.

The classes I have aren’t necessarily too difficult for me, there’s just a lot of them. It seems I still haven’t gotten rid of my habit to bite off more than I can chew- hence taking 18 hours of school a semester.

I need to go and look over some of the biology from highschool just to brush up, but other than that I should do fine…I just wont have as much free time.  But that’s alright. As soon as summer comes I’m sure I will feel rather accomplished taking that many classes. My goal is to finish college in under 4 years so as to save on all the government loans that I’m going to have to pay back after graduation.

This semester will be interesting for sure. I’ve made a few more friends and hopefully I’ll be able to keep them. New friends are hard to keep around sometimes, especially when you’re busy with school. I still need a job, and  I still need to clean my room. But I’ll get to the room cleaning tomorrow 😉

more posts to come. I’m definitely going to try and write more!

Things I did in 2010

  • Started college
  • found aspects of myself that i had forgotten about
  • took more risk than i ever had before
  • told the truth- even though that truth is debated.
  • found the truth- even though it hurt like hell.
  • came to understand people in ways i never had before.
  • painted canvases with secret images from my heart.
  • i learned to cry.
  • i learned the gravity of time.
  • took more pictures.
  • met my amazing boyfriend.
  • saw God for a whole year. i love each and every one of them.
  • my faith was tested more than it ever has been before. i jumped, and i didnt crash- i flew.
  • stepped on the battle-ground, and still fighting.

It’s been one hell of a year. Can’t wait for the next one.

Christmas!

Here are some shots from my christmas with my amazing new camera. Comment and share your own pictures!

Me and my boyfriend 🙂

We love our scrabble games

Austin put up his new TV!. It looks awesome =]

Coke ❤

The man.

We’re chess players! 😉

 

Just some shots from my Christmas. I hope you enjoyed yours!

 

Another Medium :)

SO! Guess what my amazing and adorable boyfriend got me for christmas?

THE NEW OLYMPUS SP-600UZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So guess how many videos ill be putting up on my youtube channel?

You guessed it. A whole freaking lot! So check me out here! 🙂 I will of course continue to blog here, but I’ll also be doing just as much vlogging. Enjoy!