Ive learned recently after spending nearly 10 years of my life struggling, that always being there for people you love can be abused.
Now, I dont mean to say that you should be selfish and not be avilable to the people you love. But simply that there are times in which it is crippling for you and the person involved, to always be there for them.
Today I was thinking a lot about the regrets I have in friendships. Recently a friendship that was very dear to me turned into exactly what I feared it would- very one sided. In fact, all but 2 of my friendships have ended up %100 one sided. The other two were all on me majority of the time. What I mean is, all of the work and investment was primarily coming from my end of the friendship.
This recent friendship turned into one of those relationships where they’re texting you but only if something is wrong, and where they have little to no interest in you or your life what-so-ever. It’s draining having relationships such as these, and its honestly taken its toll on me emotionally and spiritually. I find it hard to let people in when I expect the same thing with every person. With this last friendship I hestitated more than I ever have, but in believing I trusted anyways… and was let down.
So I’m finding myself in a strange place… Cautious and daring at the same time.
I was talking to my friend Liz today about an epiphany I had. When God tells us to make acts of kindness for others secretive, I believe He was not only commanding this because He didnt want people to do good things for people to gain credit or admiration, but that He also did not want the person on the receiving end to abuse the act of kindness or generosity.
I find myself telling my friends that I’ll always be there for them. The fact is, that even though it was said with good intent, that’s something a person has to prove- so saying it is almost pointless. Another reason is that a person can easily cling to that and start expecting things of you. You end up enabling them to be lazy in the friendship and therefore dig yourself into one heck of a miserable hole to sit in.
I realized that if I ever want a friendship that is really something I can count on and invest in without being used, I’m going to have to stop giving people permission to abuse my commitment. Proving my friendship with actions and setting up boundaries to keep people from texting me at all hours of the day but ignoring me when I need them.
It hurts like hell to have “friendships” like that… It’s time to start changing it.