So, I read another section of “Captivating” last night. It did bring out a lot that I didn’t want to see, but I still did it, and I needed it. Here’s what I learned.
“As echoes of the Trinity we remember something.”
This sentence struck me. The section titles “To be Romanced” explored the need to feel needed, desired, cherished and sought after- and that need is an echo of the Trinity.
It had not occurred to me before… but it seems as though that need is something that God feels too. Which part of the Trinity (Father, Son, or Holy Spirit) feels that, I don’t know…perhaps all three? But it is very clear to me now, that God wants us to actively seek Him out, being romanced by Him, but also being drawn voluntarily and involuntarily towards Him.
Can you imagine being the Father of so many children and one of them begs and pleads for things, but does not return the love that you gave so willingly? I imagine God’s spirit is crushed constantly because of the constant neglect He receives from His children. This breaks my heart to see and realize, the my God, my Father is being hurt in such a way… by even myself. It would be as if a ma sending flowers to a woman he loves, writing her poetry, pursing her and constantly seeking time with her…all to be ignored by the ignorant lady who cannot comprehend the love he has for her. As a people, as a church we are that ignorant woman who cannot see the effort her pursuer is pouring out for her. We are not seeing what God does for us every second of every day.
Seeing this put my worship to shame. Seeing this made me feel lower than I’ve felt in a long time… but it drove me to crave time with Him even more. It’s caused my heart to seek Him actively, and show that I love my God…not just say it and pray it.
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Another thing that this section of Captivating pulled from within me, was the need to feel pursued myself. I fancy myself a rather emotionally strong person. I tend to not get too upset over things as most other women do…and so a lot of the time I sometimes cannot relate to the amount of deep felt empathy that women feel for others and themselves. This in combination with my dominating personality discourages me. I worry that I will not find a man that is stronger than me…physically, and emotionally. It’s one of my biggest fears, that I will be the one who is running the marriage and that whomever I marry will not be able to keep up with me, let alone go ahead of me. Though this fear is a real one, there is also hope in knowing God will find the right person for me.
As I drifted to sleep after reading and journaling the these thoughts spun around in my head over and over bickering at one another. No doubt the reason for my dream….
When I was about 8 years old I had a dream that in my bedroom, there was a secret room behind a hole in the wall, where there was a large vanity with tons of make-up and jewelry and pretty dresses and clothes. The walls were pink and the carpet was pink and there was glitter and diamonds everywhere. I saw a young woman sitting at the vanity, putting on makeup and jewelry. When she left I ran up to the vanity and started playing in all the pretty things on it. I had this dream a few times, and never forgot it. But last night my dream was different. I saw in my dream the same room…but this time it was all wooden, like an old wooden shed. It had racks of little girl clothes, but they weren’t pretty. There were toys instead of makeup, and no vanity.
The dream I had when I was little symbolized me wanting to grow up and be like the beautiful woman I saw doing grown up lady things…The dream I had last night was me wishing I had some of my childhood back. I wanted to live it again because I feel like I missed it. Why, you may ask? And what does this have to do with anything?
In the book, there was a small sentence that read: “When we are young, we want to be precious to someone- especially Daddy.”
That is something I can’t remember having and don’t have now… That is something I miss and wish I had from the beginning on. That is something I see my little sisters get, and it makes me sometimes wish I was as young as they are…
This is what I meant by things I didn’t want to dig up.
But God is good, and He will use all of these things for His glory, and to teach me something. Hopefully this post might express empathy for someone else dealing with this. I’ve got a ways to go…
Fearless 
Before I get to my response, I want to let it be known that I am not a beliver. I’m an atheist, to be more specific- there are other kinds of non-belief, in case it might have been unknown to you. I won’t go into any debate about the supernatural here because it’d be a bit rude, to say the least- but I do have some words to share, if only for its own sake.
The feeling you get when you read this article- I prefer to use this term instead of blog- can very well be described by its title: Captivating. Your style of writing is very eloquent, elaborate, and it can even be described as poetic. Your narrative stimulates the creative mind and brings about marvelous images and even feelings. It brings back my youthful and happy days as a Catholic child- I served as an altar boy for the better part of 5 years.
I agree that the need to be loved and cherished does lie deep in our very nature. We are, in fact, a social species and because of that, not only do we desire the emotions that are brought by the company of others- but we fear being isolated by them as well.
I have an introverted nature, and the contrast of my personality, ideals, behavior and overall way of life sets me apart from most of my peers. As a child, I looked to the better of people- I saw the best in their nature and sought to make friends out of everybody. On the flip side, I was a bit of an odd-ball; I had already developed mannerisms that clearly set me apart: constantly thinking and daydreaming, easily distracted and forgetful and tended to do things on a whim were only the start of things. It continues to this day- partly due to my recent subscription to philosophical thought and different style of speech and approach to problem solving. Ever since I became a non-believer- I didn’t skip straight to atheism, mind you- it only helped widen the already broad chasm between me and my peers since my homeland is predominantly catholic (85% with another 8% protestant minority). Most adults say I’m much more mature than my peers- which would explain why I get along better with them than most people my age.
I’m not recounting all of this to gain your sympathy or any measure of pity- I only mean to stress that because of this, I have suffered from the gap that lies between me and the rest of my generation. When you’re different than most others, you feel somewhat isolated at best and your fears are wholly rational and justified. You may sometimes come to think of yourself as alone, inadequate or incompatible for a relationship- but it’s nothing that you should worry too much about. While I may disagree that you’ll be reunited by fate or divine intervention- I think that finding a like-minded individual is very likely and possibly even: inevitable.
I’d say the dream conveys a feeling that we all share. When we’re young- the world of grown-ups seems so much fun and exciting. You’re eager to get a job, be married and have kids of your own to raise and play with; when you’ve grown up, however, your childhood seems feeting. But it was here a second ago! Where did it go? ‘Where are my pretty little dolls and my playmates?’, you ask, ‘Why am I trapped in this dull world of work, corrupt politics and global disasters? Being a kid was so much fun!’ Meanwhile you realize that what your parents were saying was true. We grow up and age too fast for our own good. We’re forced to deal with this new world that was only just introduced to us. Like being dragged out from a cave and kicked out into the mid-afternoon sun without a partially lit area in between for us to adjust. But, you and I both will learn to live and adjust. It’s only the way of things; the journey will be hard but the rewards will surpass the troubles we have endured to get them by its sheer magnificense.
I’ll end it here, lest I risk rambling on for far too long. I liked your entry very much- the writing is superb and its contents strike a lovingly soft spot. You’re a very talented writer and while I may disagree with the viewpoint, it has a tender familiarity to it all. Keep and it and never give up!
Most sincerely,
Julian Rios
Hey Bailey I just gave you the honest award, so congrats! Find out what you need to do at my blog http://www.noignorance.wordpress.com
Julian–
Thank you for your comment, it really made me smile.
I really relate to how you describe yourself and the way you interacted with your peers. In my church I am the same way, and have after many painful years of not fitting in and being named by people that were supposed to be my friends, less than desirable titles, I attempted to change. It lead me into just losing myself…Now I’m working on finding me, while having more comfortability with socialization.
Yeah…it seems as if the world kind of snuck up behind me and grabbed me by my hair. I miss those days…
But you’re right, regardless we learn to live with it and make the most of it as we go along and learn things. I wish you the best of luck with this!!!
And thank you. You write very well also. And thank you for not being hateful or irked by my beliefs. It’s always nice to be able to not get flustered because of religion, and talk respectively about it. So, thank you. =]
It’s always a pleasure to meet an acquantance and give a young writer the credit she deserves. The mere thought of bringing a lingering curl at the edge of your lips seemed to have made me catch one too- they’re really contagious, aren’t they?
I’m also familiar with the scenario of having so-called friends belittling and berating you more times than you clearly deserved. You stick with it and try to please everyone because you’re too afraid of being left along. It’s a frightening concept. It wasn’t until my late years of High School that I started to realize how pointless it was and just how I’d lost my own face in a sea of masks. In the end, I’d gotten myself sorted out just in time for my first year of college- I’m currently underway of my second- and I found out just how much happier I am by just being myself. I’m no longer pretending to be something I’m not or clinging to something I really don’t think even exists for the sake of a little comfort ((my middle stages of unbelief were largely due to comfort-seeking than the search of actual truth)). I can just be myself and let out a sigh of relaxation and stretch freely now that I’d shaken off the burden of pretension. I’m glad to hear you’ve started to do the same for yourself. Be only who you truly are and don’t change for the sake of others- if you are going to change, do it for the sake of improving as a human being, and nothing less.
What really helped me get on my feet was a book called ‘The Consolations of Philosophy’ by Alain De Button. It gives you an insight into the lives of six of the greatest minds of philosophy: Socrates, Epicurius, Seneca, Montaigne, Schopenhauer, and Nietzsche. They deal with the problems of Unpopularity, Poverty, Inadequacy, Frustrations, Broken Hearts, and Difficulties; each with their respective philosophers. It’s a great book that helps you sort through these common problems and teaches you the lives and insights of these great minds.
I make it a habit not to engage with believers on their creeds unless they are in some way allowing for an academic discussion. I disagree with the mocking approaches used by others- I think the notion of religion might sound a bit far-fetched, but it should be approached with respect because it’s important to us by our very nature. Something that has captivated so many of our minds for so long should be treated seriously and not compared to invisible pink unicorns or flying spaghetti monsters. This doesn’t advance any kind of discussion and is only a childish way of mooning the other side into submission. If we, as a human species, are to advance, it’s by civil and rational discussion where these topics are given the seriousness they deserve. Besides, there are very compelling arguments made during the course of 2,000 years- you can’t merely dismiss them because the implication may sound like fairytales to some atheists.
I’ve read some of your earlier posts and I’ll probably get around to commenting on some of them individually- though I have to leave for my Logic course since I’m running a little late for my first class. I just wanted to finish this comment and ended up taking a bit more time than expected. But, so far so good- I’m liking your writing and your insights.
I wish you only the very best of good fortune on your journey to find yourself- wherever it might take you. Even if the world thrusts you into the darkest of caverns- you’ll find the strenth to light up the entire chamber within yourself. You just have to find out where it is and how to tap into its potential.