There were never fine lines,
drawn to make a time.
so why am i hurting?
i guess I’m blind.
16 Tuesday Nov 2010
There were never fine lines,
drawn to make a time.
so why am i hurting?
i guess I’m blind.
12 Wednesday May 2010
Posted 100 days, getting published, random, thoughts
inWow…
Day 98 has sure given me something to really think about. I received an email from Tate publishing about my book, and they say that it is “in review”. I’m not sure if this is different from just looking at it or what, but they’re asking for more information and they want. They also informed me about a $3,985 author contribution fee.
So you would think this is really amazing right? Well, the fact is I most certainly do NOT have $3,895. I don’t even have anything CLOSE to that, and with college coming up, I have no idea what to do. What if they DID want to publish it, but I haven’t the money to do it. Would it be wasting their time to say yes, even though I know I wont be able to pay that without a miracle????
I sat staring at my computer for far too long, wondering what I should do. I would simply inquire, but I doubt they would have the time to respond without a form letter, and I think they would find it stupid of me that I hadn’t assumed the author contribution would be that much. I always knew there was some money involved but I guess I overlooked the possibility of it being that much!!!!
Needless to say, I’m at a complete loss. What do I do?!?!? =\
EDIT!
I just looked around online (why didn’t I do this before???) and found information leading to the conclusion that Tate Publishing is a scam. Well, go figure. I thought it was a little too quick to be hearing from someone with such a promising and hopeful email =\
I won’t be emailing them after all….. oh well.
03 Monday May 2010
Lately I’ve thought a lot about the mistakes and struggles I’ve been through in my short life time so far. When I look at things realistically, it’s been a very long and hard 18 years. The struggles that I have been and put myself through, is nothing light.
For such a long time I wondered if all of these things really were as big of a deal as I felt them to be. Still, I struggle to claim turmoil, because there is so much more out there to experience and feel. I wonder if all of these things that I have been burdened with, really are valid.
Can I say with certainty that what I have gone through in my life, warrants such pain and anguish? I really can’t- all I know is that these things that I would call small compared to the other turmoils in the world, hurt me like the big ones.
Maybe it’s true that pain is in the eye of the beholder. After all, we all have different pain tolerances physically…perhaps the same is for the heart and spirit?
But perhaps also, it is a question I will wrestle with until the day I die…
30 Friday Apr 2010
So recently I realized what my problem is….
I’m not having fun. In what you ask? Well, everything. The reason everything is stressing me out so much is because I dont allow myself to enjoy it for the good parts, and I’m focusing on the bad. Therefore, I am taking action to turn this around!!!
I started a second blog. You can find it here: The College Girl
This blog was started mainly for my mother and sisters, as my mom requested I remember everything I’ve learned so I can pass the information on to her and my sisters for when they start college. And so, the journey begins. But….the catch is that this blog will NOT be created out of stress. Sure, ill talk about the stresses…but that will not be the focus. I’m going to work hard to make it as light-hearted as possible. Because lets face it, it’s all about perspective.
I am also hoping to start vlogging even with my little webcam. Hopefully that will be started up soon.
As for everything else, my perspective is taking a lighter tone as well. With my book, my art, my projects, friendships…all of it. I’m going to enjoy it if it kills me. Sounds weird, but yanno…you gotta do what you gotta do. As my pastor says; “Put on Joy.”
And so, I shall. 🙂
03 Saturday Apr 2010
Tags
I don’t know why lately, but my best seems to not be enough. I’m not sure if it’s because of my current state of physical being, or if its the stress…either way, I’m not on top of my game, and I do not like that……………..at ALL.
When I was little, the things I looked for approval on was how clean I could make a room, or how well I could make dinner in hopes of pulling out a compliment from my mom or dad on my good job…but in my early teen years that ended, and ever since everything I did was just never quite good enough…
I feel like everything I do just can’t meet the mark, and I don’t have the energy to do any more than I already am. I know that my health has a huge part in it…but still, I feel like I could do more.
Needless to say, I’m discouraged. I want to do so many things but every time i do something im proud of, somehow it’s shot down in one way or another. Somehow, it’s just not good enough. I feel like I just can’t push hard enough anymore…….
I’m exhausted…tired…and I can’t afford to be tired right now. With school coming up and moving, and everything…I need energy, and I don’t have it.
I hope God has a reason for this…because it seems all I can do is fail….
25 Thursday Feb 2010
In the past month or so, I’ve been getting what I can only describe as “hot flashes”. Now, being only 18 the concept of legit menopausal hot flashes is pretty much out of the question. While this could all be hormonal, me and my mother both researched it and found something else that may be causing it.
Apparently these random hot flashes, sleepless nights, and dreams that have been waking me up in a panic are all related to anxiety. On webmd.com it was described as an “Anxiety Disorder” or a “Panic Attack”. After reading both of them aloud, I laughed thinking there was no way that either of them could be possible. I don’t FEEL stressed. But after discussing it with my mom, and having yet another night waking up with a gasp and making it through my day on pure caffeine due to the loss of sleep, I tend to agree with that diagnosis.
What am I supposed to do about it? I have no idea. Currently I am the coordinator for BreakDown, in which I am also acting. I am doing 2 performance type things for my show. One being a small part in the Easter play and the other being a dance to the song “Dancing in the Streets” for our annual variety show. I’m also co-directing and acting in a play at another church for Easter. On top of all of that I have school I’ve been neglecting, college to get ready for, a house to help clean and a book I’m trying to write.
Wow. I’m surprised I’m still alive when looking at things like that. I hadn’t really realized how much I was doing. Really, I’m wondering if doing the play wasn’t a mistake? God is really teaching me at an early age, how to say “no” to things. Gosh… I thought I wasn’t supposed to learn that until I was over 30???? Go figure.
Well, let’s see what happens. If I crack in a fit of maniacal rage because of the stress, then I definitely will have to cut SOMETHING off. For now though, I’ll try to figure it all out. I just hope that I can get more sleep…I’m really starting to run down.
17 Wednesday Feb 2010
Posted random
inSo ever since I saw a video by the username “Nerimon” also known as Alex Day, I was VASTLY inspired to make my on youtube channel and do my own videos about whatever I happen to be wanting to talk about that no one in my own immediate life would want to listen to. So I got to thinking about it and tried to do some of these videos on my cheap finepix fujifilm camera that is worth crap and cant take a video without skipping and being ridiculously pixilated. So, my dreams of having a youtube channel came to a crashing hault, as I dont have a job (and cant find one) so I have no way to buy a nice camera. Thus is why (partly) I blog.
However recently I was offered a job that will end up paying me $250, which I think might be able to land me a decent video camera (or at least start me out on saving for one). Thing is, I have no idea where on earth to buy one and what camera to buy!’ll have to start looking for one so that I dont rush into buying something that I’ll end up regretting later. What I want to do is make videos that have a decent sound quality and decent detail. Nothing too fancy, but definitely something that’s worth my time and money. But my goodness…if you don’t have a good grip on the whole tech world, as I am finding you can really land yourself into some trouble.
Right now I’m looking at the SC-MX20 samsung camera. If anyone happens to read this and knows anything about camcorders, let me know what you suggest!!!
11 Thursday Feb 2010
“Buildings”
He was a husband who drove his wife home drunk from the parties
He was a husband who drove his wife home
And in the car he would gently lean her head on the side door window
And in the bathroom he would hold her hair back and hope, saying;They build buildings oh they build buildings oh they build buildings
So tall these daysAnd in the morning she’d wake up and crouch recollections all day
But she would always always wake up the next morning
And he’d take one look at her a say baby that’s ok
And her conscience would issue yet another last warning, saying;They build buildings oh they build buildings
Oh they build buildings
So tall these daysAnd she would ask for time
And she’d ask for time
And she would ask for time
And she would beg for time,
And she would beg for time
And beg for time and call it a gift
And he would give her time
And he’d give her time
And he would give her time
And he’d give her time
But time is not given and time is not taken
It just sifts through its siftAnd it was coffee and coffee and coffee
And coffee and coffee and coffee some more
He’d go to work and she’d take a sick day and rot at the core
And by the time he came back
She’d scrub the bathroom and make it smell like pine
It would be almost as if nothing had happened
And he’d give her time, saying;They build buildings, oh they build buildings, oh they build buildings,
Oh don’t they build buildings, oh they build buildings,
They build buildings so tall these daysAnd she would ask for time
And she’d ask for time
And she would ask for time
And she would beg for time,
And she would beg for time
And beg for time and call it a gift
And he would give her time
And he’d give her time
And he would give her time
And he’d give her time-
But time is not given and time is not taken
It just sifts through its siftHe was a husband drove time home pine scrub bathroom window
Don’t they build buildings so tall these days…
~
These are the lyrics to the song “buildings” by Regina Spektor. I love her- I absolutely love her. She writes with such intelligence and sees the small things that aren’t apparent to most people. Today I was trying to educate the wanna-be dancer in myself by watching videos choreographed by Kate Jablonski. One of the lovely solos was to this song. Not only was the dance beautiful but so was the meaning behind it. My sister and I both love Miss Spektor and talk about her songs rather often. She had told me the other day that songs like “The left handed song” are more of bits of the random thoughts that pass meaninglessly through her brain. Supposedly she doesn’t even know what those songs mean. They simply are what existed in her mind at the time.
However songs like “Braile”, “Sampson”, and “Buildings” are all deep and full songs that have more meaning each time you listen to them. The line in the song “buildings” that says “Oh they build buildings, So tall these days” sounds very random…but really I don’t think it is.
The song is about a woman that is so desperately searching for something while her husband gives her time as she begs for time to get things right. She cleans up after the mess but still makes things dirty later. She keeps falling down but her husband keeps picking her up time after time. When he says “Oh they make buildings so tall these days” it’s reflective of the fact that he’s looking up (able to see how tall those buildings are) while he gives her time. But she’s looking down.
I’ve felt like that so often. Like literally looking up was not even possible…looking down just felt better. It’s as if its contrasting the directions they’re both going. How much he loves her compared with how much she loves him. “And her conscience would issue yet another last warning” because she knew that he was looking up- which seemed impossible for her to do. It’s so interesting how Regina can see this…How she can create a song about how someone can literally look up in hope…while someone else can’t. It makes me really appreciate the ability to see that I tend to ignore the sky…and it makes me want to look up more. After all, God is here on earth…but He’s also up there.
11 Thursday Feb 2010
Posted girl stuff, random
inI must admit. I do spend hours and hours searching the internet for that PERFECT wedding dress. When will I get married??? I have no idea. But! I CAN’T WAIT FOR IT! ^_^
I have files upon files and folders upon folders of wedding pictures and things I want at my wedding. Everything from cupcakes to and tableclothes to tiaras and dresses. OH the dress.
I recently found my dress. Well, at least the designer who makes it. Yes, a designer wedding dress is probably far beyond my reach…but it’s my dress!!!! Just as I imagined it. So even though its pretty stinkin expensive, I’m going to find a way to get it!!!!
This all got me to thinking… how fun it is to wear dresses and be pretty! I have a few dresses in my closet that I’ve bought here and there and never wore…but I think this summer I’m going to wear them. It’s a girl thing. You start looking at dresses and weddings and suddenly you just want to dive into your makeup and clothes and doll up. I feel like that right now. Although I’m sitting here at 1 in the afternoon still in my pajama pants and t-shirt with a wreck of hair and smeared makeup from yesterday, I still feel pretty as can be imagining my wedding day and the dress I hope to wear ^_^
I have no idea why I’m posting this. I’m just SO stoked to have found my wedding dress!!!! Why am I not spilling the beans and showing it? I have my reasons =] Specifically because one of a girls worst nightmares is to have the same wedding dress as one of her friends O.O Big “no-no”. So I shall keep it a secret for now!!! =D
06 Saturday Feb 2010
Posted random
inI’d like to talk about today, and what happened…because honestly it was a strange day.
1. I, for the first time ever, slipped my leg out of my hip bone…you’re thinking “GOOD HEAVEN IN HELL, WHAT IN THE WORLD?!”…well it’s not that dramatic. I have “hypermobile” joints…which means that the socket my joints are in are much larger than the actual ball of the bone, so they’re loose. I can “jump rope” (not literally “jump”) with my arms. Meaning I can can grab my wrists and bring my arms up all the way around my body without letting go. Sometimes this is painful for me, because if they slip in a weird way they pinch nerves or hit things and yeah..ouch. I knew my hips were like that because they pop like my shoulders do…But I’ve never felt it slip. Today I did….EW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. I choreographed an entire dance for 6 people to a song. Yeah, I am NOT a dancer. I’ve always wanted to dance ever since I was little, but we couldn’t afford lessons. Being in BreakDown, I have learned a bit here and there and even (very badly) performed a dance once. However I have had no training and I suck at it. My lovely dancer friends are so nice to not insult me for still wanting to after I suck as much as I do. lol (Thank you Laura) but still, in my daydreaming of a future BreakDown team I got to thinking a bit too much and choreographed a rather (at leas to me) complicated dance. yep…random.
3. I began writing down a list of things I’ll need for college thanks to a great vid I watched on youtube from allthatglitters21 about her college bag and what she used to keep organized. It was so helpful i wrote things down and made a nice little list of things to get =]
4. My dad brought home fancy coffee creamer. Yeah, you’re thinking “uuhhhhhhhhhh”…no really. Usually we buy the cheap powder stuff, and its like a BIG DEAL if we get the liquid kind cause its pricey… well he bought it. French vanilla…Randomly…IT WAS AWESOME! =D (usually we say coffee with the powder creamer tastes like cardboard…then again we DO buy generic)
5. I oddly enough did not ruin my desk and orderliness. o.0 Check that out. I was afraid I would clutter it just like it used to be by tonight, and now all that remains is some nail polish (just did my nails) and my notebook! WOOHOO! (both of which will be removed tonight before bed).
6. It snowed like CRAZY!!!!!!! It’s actually like a “big deal”. Everything is closed because we’re expecting 8 inches o.o Yeah… If I dont post tomorrow it’s because I died.
7. I fell in love, (again) with highlighters. ^_^
8. Posted a ridiculous post about ridiculous things I did today…
Yep. That’s it…back to life I go.